Messages

106

Non-Music Shit / Re: Instructions for Packing Many Records

« on: September 26, 2016, 04:59:12 PM »

The poms will just biff all your shit willy nilly into any old flimsy used chip wrapper, apply one strand of tape to seal it up, then biff the fucker over the veranda and see what happens.

Plus, from what I can make out, they treat their records like they treat their teeth. I may be a spoilt cunt after years of fondling insanely well cared for Japanese records but this seems to be the UK grading system:

M = might play
NM = any fuckign record
VG+ used as doormat for 18 years in Hammersmith student flat
VG package sent via Chernobyl
G: Garbage
F is for Fukushima

107

Non-Music Shit / Re: What tv show are you watching and what do you have to say about it ..pt 2

« on: September 22, 2016, 09:38:13 PM »

American Pickers

that fucking addicvtive piece of shit tv show. The 2 cunts walk right past another pile of records to beat off over another fucking Coca Cola sign. Episodes are a total seasonal scramble here on the Upper Lower North East Pitcairns, have noticed in recent seasons the tall one has become a bighead and treats the little chubby bloke like shit. Poor little cunt hardly even gets to talk at all. One of the episodes I was half watching has assumed field of dreams status in my head, in the leafy hills of malibu, some old hillbilly, did I hear right the old cunt had 200,000 records, i think I fucking did you know. Of course Cokesign & Toycar probably didnt even make him a fucking offer.

108

Non-Music Shit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire

« on: September 22, 2016, 09:31:04 PM »

Jennifer Aniston Adopts Brad Pitt.

--People--

Noted actress Jennifer Aniston has taken the unusual step of legally adopting her ex-husband Brad Pitt as her child. "I am going to make a sex tape with him" said the actress. "An incest sex tape. In the tape, I will root my adopted son. Everyone will have a massive tug. It will be great. No more questions please."

Meanwhile in Japan..

"Where the FUCK are our copies? ANSWER ME."

109

Non-Music Shit / Re: No subject was filled in.

« on: September 22, 2016, 09:27:14 PM »

Wayne Gunston's Guide to $20 Words.

Gidday, tatterdemalion cunts!

Welcome to Wayne Gunston's Guide to $20 Words.


Me, Wayne, your favourite
lalochezian callipygous bastard.
I know all the $20 words. I bought
the whole fuckin lot for 50 bucks
at that garage sale on the weekend.

Now then, let's get down to business. How many $20 words do you know? Four? Sorry smartarse, but "supercilious" is no longer a $20 word. It's a $5 word at best. So now you only know three $20 words. Callipygous and two others. Pathetic. You thick bastard. There's only so many times you, the aspiring writer, can drop "mellifluous", "callipygous" and that one other flash harry word into your stunted, shithouse prose before the ruse is well and truly up.

That's where I come in. Once your cheque's cleared, my Wayne Gunston's Guide to $20 Words will show you exactly where and when to use $20 words.

$695.99 for just 12 easy-to-follow instalments.
No layby. Stop fucking around and PAY NOW.

Here is just a brief sampler of what you can expect from Wayne Gunston's Guide to $20 Words.

* A refresher course on the $20 words you already know. Face it, you've already forgotten what "callipygous" means and you only found out about the fuckin stupid thing 3 bloody sentences ago. Stupid bastard. PAY NOW!
* An autographed strand of my lustrous hair. Use it as a bookmark. It's that bloody thick!
* Words.
* Sexually graphic passages.
* Pictures of $20 words.

Gunston InfoMercial

Not only will my Guide to $20 Words educate you about ALL the $20 words it will also "troubleshoot" those words that are often mistaken for being $20 words but are in fact NOT $20 words.

Here is a brief sample list of just some of the commonly mistaken $20 words as exposed by Wayne Gunston's Guide to $20 Words.

* Wheelbarrow (quite a long word, hence the confusion. NOT a $20 word)
* Elephant (elephants are big which makes people think the word is long and confusing but at a paltry 7 letters it's not overly long)
* Psychedelic (nothing about a hippie is worth $20 bucks)

Pay NOW to get the full list of NOT $20 words!

Just $850.99 in 8 easy instalments.

Operators are standing by!


"Thank you for shopping with Gunston
& Gunston fuck off now thank you next!"

That's it then, we're all done here, by stupidly clicking on that paypal logo above you've triggered an automatic payment, thanks for shopping with Gunston & Gunston, my fuckwit brother Wayne is coming over to your place in his ute with your stupid fuckhead book.


"Jesus, I wouldn't pay shit for this."


Righto.

--Wayne.

110

Non-Music Shit / Re: What tv show are you watching and what do you have to say about it ..pt 2

« on: September 22, 2016, 08:31:02 PM »

thought same about John Foxx but can't place it from metamatic

The mid season twist to reveal the Elliot in prison the whole time thing was sharp as hell. Concorde wheeled out of the hangar. Thought from there it would be flashback-o-rama with the chubby bleck prison warden etc, fastening a few seatbelts for dear viewer, before the final ride to Valhalla. Instead they ignore all that in favour of brisk tarmac taxiing then proceed to whip the cockpit rug right out and biff dear viewer halfway down the emergency chute with the whole "is this real or not?" carry on

Season 1 computey talk hacky hacky was more fun.

111

Non-Music Shit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire

« on: September 20, 2016, 05:59:30 PM »

Too soon?


Angelina Jolie sends her adopted kids back to Africa.

--RST--

Recently divorced mega-star Angelina Jolie has reportedly sent all 6 of her kids back to Africa. Even the kids from China. And also all 3 of her biological kids.


"Biohazard, biological, I don't give a shit, just get on that fucking boat!"

The 6 tearful children have arrived in Botswana and been let loose to roam on a public game reserve. It is expected they will fossick for grubs for a bit before Jolie engineers a Hollywood happy ending for the 6 scabby little freeloading wankers.


"We could walk to Cape Town?"
"Don't worry, drama queen princess fairy nuts will have some prick come and pick us up once her precious saturation coverage biometrics have been met."

112

Non-Music Shit / Re: Donald Trump keeps his Bibles "at a certain place."

« on: September 20, 2016, 04:09:29 PM »

113

Non-Music Shit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire

« on: September 19, 2016, 11:56:58 PM »

Clouds Completely Ruin Child's Day

--NZ Herald--

Cloud cover has completely ruined a young child's day in New Zealand. The
offending nimbulus particulus have been photographed below, encroaching
en masse upon what should be an idyllic view.


"The mountains too, Mummy. They are completely blocking my
view of the horizon. MAKE IT STOP MUMMY. I FUCKING HATE
THOSE MOUNTAINS."

The clouds, sickeningly, appeared to be drifting to and fro of their own accord, unanswerable to anyone, impervious to criticism over their actions. Calls to the Meteorological Service by this reporter in regards to the clouds accountability over their unpredictable movements were met with what can only be described as "terse" responses.


"Mummy, the clouds are here too. Take me home immediately, Mummy.
Mummy, do they have clouds in Saudi Arabia? I want to go to there NOW Mummy."

114

New Releases For Sale/Distro Updates / Re: Finished 'Cum Inside Me Bro' LP (Load Records) up for sale

« on: September 13, 2016, 10:37:17 PM »

hardly ever geta stiffy over the new music championed on thsi foriui these days, gave up ages ago really, fuckit just put The Fall on, but holy shit I need that FINISHED record. So in the last one week I've read about FINISHED, DIAT, WATERY LOVE and LIFE STINKS and need all their shit wft is goign on? What other knuckle dragging drongo mongo balls am I missing out on?

115

Non-Music Shit / Re: What tv show are you watching and what do you have to say about it ..pt 2

« on: September 05, 2016, 11:54:31 PM »

Rick and Morty is a spatula smearing great gobs of cooling gravy all over your freshly shaven head for 20 minutes. It doesn't have to make you laugh. The sensation is enough.

116

Non-Music Shit / Re: What tv show are you watching and what do you have to say about it ..pt 2

« on: September 05, 2016, 09:48:19 PM »

Bojack Horseman is bad.

thank fuck someomne else thinks so, thogut it was just me. sat thru 1st 2 eps of season 1 and 1st of S2 and cried off. All laid out, the sharp writing etc but kept thinking back to old Simpsons moments where they?d laid out the platform too, but then elicit the laughs by just pushing the fucking moment off a cliff. The Bojack episodes I seen they aint done that. Just trundles along oh so cleverly with its glib pastiche or "patois" as we continental eurocunts like to say over our morning pate at the piano

117

Non-Music Shit / Re: Donald Trump keeps his Bibles "at a certain place."

« on: August 21, 2016, 03:46:21 PM »

118

Music Shit / Re: Coil / C93 / NWW et al.

« on: August 12, 2016, 09:35:34 PM »

marsipan goth mate. distasteful but disquietingly different enough that you keep coming back to it

119

Music Shit / Re: Coil / C93 / NWW et al.

« on: August 12, 2016, 07:30:58 PM »

https://cargorecordsdirect.co.uk/products/coil-ape-of-naples

120

Non-Music Shit / Re: Daily Mainichi News Wire

« on: August 10, 2016, 06:45:21 PM »

Vegan parents face prison time.

--NZ Herald--

Two local parents are facing prison time after feeding their
poor little child way the fuck too many vegetables.


"What's all this fuckin shit? All I see is rabbit food.
I'm calling the fuckin' cops. Both of you 2 gestapo
wankers are going to prison. Inhumane parenting."
--Sarah Peddleman, aged 8.

"Haven't those two old dickheads even read the popular children's books of today? continued Peddleman. 'The Little Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables'? Stone cold classic! 'An Apple A Day Could Give You Cancer'? Should be taught in the fuckin' schools!"


"I'm alright now. Once the cops took old Hansel & Gretel Shithead away in the paddy wagon I barbequed the family rabbit. Baked his little nuts right off. The groinsack was such a delectable treat!"
"Did you hear the one about the nun in prison, the garter belt, the rabbit and the huge carrot..."
"Oh fuck off!"