Richard Adventure here. This my first Total Fucking Rocker interview for Terminal Boredom. With my crack team of dudes Todd Trickknee, Atom Vertebreaker, and the incomparable Steve Strange, we drilled The Marked Men and The Birthday Suits with some pretty deep questions. The interview will speak for itself.
Cast of Characters:
Richard Fucking Adventure (RFA)
Todd Trickknee (TK)
Steve Strange (SB)
Marked Men: Jeff, Mark, Joe and Mike
Birthday Suits: Hideo and Matthew
RFA: I have a question for the Marked Men. Being from Texas, what is your take on the mighty motherfuckin’ Fabulous Freebirds?
Joe: Are they still alive?
RFA: That’s the Von Erichs that are dead.
Mark: What are we talking about anyway?
RFA: Fuckin’ wrestling dude!
Mark: I fucking hate wrestling.
SB: OK, interview is over.
RFA: Dude, WCCW, this shit is classic. When I saw Riverboat Gamblers in Minneapolis, I had my Freebirds shirt on. The first thing Mike said was "Dude, I love the Freebirds." I looked at him and said, "I know."
Joe: Is that the team with the blonde pretty boy?
RFA: Michael PS Hayes.
Joe: I didn’t know they were from Texas. They won the titles a few times.
RFA: Do you wanna know an interesting story about Kerry Von Erich?
Joe: Aren’t we being interviewed here?
RFA: I gotta tell the story, dude. When Kerry Von Erich died, he shot himself in the chest. He was so fucking vain that he didn’t want to blow off his beautiful face...when in all reality he looks like a fucking horseface.
Mark: Why do you guys like to watch guys in small tights grabbing each other, rolling around?
SB: It’s for the same reason I like girls with small breasts and slender hips.
Mark: So you’re saying that you’re a pedophile?
RFA: Dude, wrestling, it’s a passion. I was born into it. (My old man) Soupy fucking raised me on it. Fuckin’ Jerry Blackwell, you know who that is?
TK: Richard incorporates wrestling into everything.
RFA: I’ll try and stop with the wrestling questions.
Joe: Are you going to Wrestlemania in Chicago?
SB: I am.
TK: Let’s talk about architecture.
Mike: Eastern European architecture?
RFA: More questions! What is your take on Gabe Kaplan?
Joe: I don’t know who that is.
RFA: Fucking “Welcome Back Kotter,” dude. He is like a fucking poker champ nowadays. He has a big, huge caterpillar on his lip like fuckin’ Larry Csonka.
TK: What is your take on facial hair?
Joe: I’m alright with it.
RFA: Joe, you need a shirt that says “free moustache rides.” Then you need to grow a 'stache like Tom Selleck.
TK: Try and use some references from after the 70’s.
RFA: I’ll try and get into the fucking 80’s here.
TK: “Saved by the Bell” or something.
RFA: What’s your takes on “Saved by the Bell?”
SB: OK, what is your take on how the guys always dressed like girls on “Saved by the Bell?”
RFA: They did dress like girls quite a bit, didn’t they?
TK: Screech lives in Milwaukee now.
RFA: Not only that, but Screech wore a Love t-shirt on an episode of “Saved by the Bell.”
Mark: No way.
RFA: Seriously. The band Love.
Mike: Courtney Cox was wearing a MC5 t-shirt on Friends once.
SB: Really? Wow. When you guys were in Japan did you see MC5 and Ramones t-shirts being sold for 25 bucks in the widows at kids clothing stores?
Mike: I saw on the cover of a catalog a teenage girl wearing a Devo shirt. It was going for 14.99. The catalog was promoting teen attitude T's.
Joe: Devo had attitude.
RFA: They were the dudes with the 'tudes.
SB: That could be the name of the third Marked Men album. “The Dudes with the 'Tudes.”
RFA: that would be cool. The cover would have you guys on the street corner looking all serious and shit.
TK: None of you guys live in Denton anymore, do you?
Mike: Jeff does.
TK: Let’s talk about The Vomit Punx.
SB: We talked about that the last time I interviewed them.
TK: Wasn’t there a reunion?
RFA: You’re very soft spoken, Jeff. He is like a silent crooner.
TK: A silent cooter.
RFA: Kinda' like what's his nuts. Gordon Lightfoot.
SB: What’s your take on Loverboy?
Joe: They have one good song.
SB: Which is...
Joe: “Working for the Weekend.”
SB: What about “Turn Me Loose.”
Joe: That song is too sappy.
RFA: That song is a rocker. “TURN ME LOOSE….I GOTTA DO IT MY WAY!”...Matthew, what is your take on Loverboy?
Matthew: Uh, yeah.
RFA: Are you more of a Foreigner fan or a Boston fan?
SB: They don’t know 70’s American classic rock dude.
(This is where the interview gets brutal. Somebody we know was getting married and we bailed the wedding to see Marked Men/Birthday Suits. Our friend and his bride went out of their way to track us down and give us a piece of their minds.)
Groom: Hey Richard, what’s your take on being a cocksucker and not coming to your fucking friend's wedding? (Puts out cigarette in RFA's beer)
RFA: Dude, you know. I told you I didn’t know if I could make it.
Bride: Well, we’re on our way to consummate.
RFA: That’s nice.
Groom: I’d expect Jimmy Kimmel (Trickknee) of all people to be at my wedding.
Bride: Alright, we’re gonna go have sex.
Atom: Thanks for punching me in the stomach!
Groom: No problem.
Bride: Atom, you are so dead. You are one of my best friends in the whole world and you didn’t come to my wedding. I hate you.
Mark: This has to be on the interview.
TK: Let’s talk about Loudness!
RFA: Flashback! Heart attack! Every time I See Your Face! Fuckin’ know that one?
Atom: This is going to read so well.
RFA: I didn’t want to go to that wedding, anyway. Deal with it. Next fucking question.
SB: That guy is a total douche.
RFA: What’s your take on professional bowling?
Joe: I aspire to be a pro bowler someday.
RFA: I used to work at a bowling alley in high school.
SB: What is your take on the fact that people get paid to bowl?
RFA: Have a longneck in one hand, the ball in the other, and roll it down the lane. Would that be your dream job Mark?
Mark: That would be fucking great!
RFA: There you go. Here is your money, thanks for bowling.
SB: Jeff, what’s your dream job?
Jeff: Professional bowler.
RFA: Don’t they have bowling alleys in Denton?
Atom: Let’s go bowling.
SB: Isn’t that Hideo’s favorite band? Weren’t you in a ska band before?
Hideo: Yeah, Skankin' Pickle. I own Asian Man records.
SB: Don’t you have the Screeching Weasel catalog?
RFA: “Boogada Boogada Boogada,” is that in heavy rotation in your CD player?
Hideo: Oh yeah.
RFA: What is your take on Mystery Science Theater 3000?
Mike: There is one called 'Manos Hands of Fate.' That one is my favorite.
RFA: 'Manos...' is a fucking classic. Torgo is a total fucking dude.
TK: Who is?
RFA: Fucking Torgo, dude. Hideo, what is your take on the greatest band ever, Thin Lizzy?
Hideo: I have no idea who they are.
RFA: Bob Seger?
Hideo: I don’t know who he is either.
SB: Phil from Thin Lizzy was on Johnny Thunders' first solo album.
RFA: “So Alone.”
Joe: Bob Seger doesn’t rock, though
RFA: Bob Seger System, dude, seriously. Hideo/Matthew, living in Minneapolis what is your take on the people at the Triple Rock looking like clowns? They have blue, yellow, purple, green, magenta, colored hair. They have everything pierced and tattoos on their faces and such. They all walk around like "doo dee doo doo doo."
Hideo: Let me tell you dudes, it’s punk rock.
RFA: Very punk rock.
Matthew: It’s punk rock in the 90’s.
SB: Yeah, and now it’s 2005.
TK: What is the dirtiest, nastiest Japanese word you’re not supposed to say?
SS: 'Manko' isn’t too bad. It means 'pussy.'
Hideo: Are we done here?
Joe: I heard it was 'bukkake.'
TK: What American band is big in Japan that nobody cares about here?
Matthew: The Carpenters.
Hideo: Mr. Big.
SB: Bon Jovi.
Matthew: Yeah, Bon Jovi.
SB: Like, when I first played Teengenerate for my girlfriend I told her they were rock. She asked if they were like Bon Jovi. Then I played it for her and she asked if they could make money.
Hideo: MC Hammer.
TK: Is he big in Japan?
RFA: It’s funny, in Germany Manowar will sell out 50,000 seat arenas, and here you can see them in some bar or something.
TK: Dude, Manowar.
RFA: Jeff what is your take on The Pretty Things?
Jeff: Ask Joe.
RFA: Joe, same question.
Joe: “Get The Picture” is pretty good.
SB: What is your take on being interviewed by a guy, and his wife walks in?
Joe: Richard, whats your take on your wife?
RFA: She is my beautiful lover. I think this is the end of the interview since everybody is clapping and drinking their beers. Any final thoughts?
Mrs. Adventure: I suppose he was asking you your take on every single band.
TK: How about Accept?
RFA: Udo Dirkschneider, the heavy metal midget, next to his buddy Ronnie James Dio.
Joe: Richard, what is your take on Kiss?
RFA: Love em’. I saw them on their first reunion concert with the original members. D-Generation opened for them. The day before it was the Melvins. It pissed me off that I missed them. Peter Criss handed out roses to the ladies during "Beth.”
Mark: What is your take on “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park?”
RFA: It’s great. The funny thing is Ace Frehley was so fucked up on drugs and booze. During the filming of a fight scene they put in a brother to replace Ace as a stunt double. You can clearly see a black guy dressed as Ace Frehley. What is your take on Japan vs. America? Would you guys ever move back to Japan or is this home to stay?
Hideo: Japan for sure dude.
SB: This isn’t my home to stay.
Joe: Why do you hate freedom, Steve?
SB: I like blowing shit up alright.
RFA: Are you going to go to the massage parlors?
SB: Gonna go? What do you mean?
RFA: Steve Strange……nuff said.
Interview by Richard Fucking Adventure and his staff
Pics borrowed from the interweb
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