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Well, seeing as I really haven't rolled out of bed yet so to speak, and hooked myself up with some internet access from home, Rich and I have decided to run my column as more of separate reviews section for now where I actually send him a printed version of my columns which he will transcribe. I love ya for it, Rich! (Ed.: Yeah, it's a real treat Matt...) I won't be reviewing records I don't like. Not becasue I'm scared of making anyone mad, but because I feel it's not worth your or my time. Never fear though, fellow punkers in crime, once I get access to the world wide web from home again I'll be conducting more interviews and spitting more venom than a King Cobra (they are venomous, right?). But before I get to any of the reviews (and I've been finding some really great records as of late) I'd like to set some things straight and address some what-have-yous.

If anybody has noticed a bit of change in my attitude as of late it might be largely in part to the fact that I've begun studying shaolin chuan fa kung fu and it's really becoming my fourth passion in life, next to punk-rock, girls, and writing. If you've ever met me in real life you know I pretty much come across as I do in my writing. Sure, I've always has a sense of humor. But I've also always been a hyperactive, highly emotional, really angry violent-minded sort of person with a real knack for self-destruction. Well that's still all there, but I've now found a way to direct that negative energy and turn it into something positive via the martial arts. This has been the best and most positive thing I've done for myself in years. If you find yourself becoming increasingly unhappy with yourself and going to bed at night drunk with a feeling of defeat and you're becoming tired of feeling like dirt on a twenty-four hour basis I'd strongly suggest just trying out a martial arts class. It first helps strengthen your mind and then strengthen your body and we could all really benefit from such a thing. Really, yo!

I've never really cared much about making friends and I've never been afraid to separate myself from the pack and this hasn't changed a bit. If anything, I've actually become more disgusted with people in bands and showgoers alike since I've moved to Chicago. Let me make something very clear right now (especially to all the garage-punkers out there): I DON'T LIKE YOU! I don't like your whiny little pissy elitist attitudes, I don't like your stupid clothes or your stupid haircuts, I don't like your cool little bars you frequent, I don't like your dyed black hair, and I really, really, really don't care what you might think of me. To me you're just a pathetic bunch of spoiled little babies hanging out at Delilah's and drinking away your daddy's money (You know who you are). You twits are afraid of both physical and verbal confrontation and you're afraid to stand up and say no to the crowd. You show up at shows to hang out and chat and fully ignore the music. You make me sick. Understand that I will continue doing anything I want for the rest of my life and those of you who don't like it can really step to the left and choke on something deadly or you can get in my way and I will run you over. In the immortal words of Fucked Up: Fuck Modish Attitudes! We (I) Hate You More!

COPPENS' CAVALCADE OF REVIEWS

Brainwashed Youth "Testing British Accents" EP
This has got to be the dumbest and most ridiculous record I've heard in years and I absolutely love it. Paul Schlacter of Cider/Inmates/Wolfdowners/Darvocets/Runiers and company emerge once again to bring us more simple, pointless, hilarious, raw, and offensive punk-rock in the way only these degenerate fuck-ups can. With vocals that sound like they were recorded through a guitar amplifier, Paul screams on such killer songs as "Life of Crime", "Needle" (which is one of the best songs ever to listen to while drunk out of your mind), "Moron World", and the funny-as-shit ode to Reagan's demise "No More Jellybeans", in which he screams "It's my American dream/No mnore jellybeeeeeeeeaaaannnnssss" all over the most basic guitar riffs heard since "Beat on the Brat". This record is great as is every other record released on Paul's Noncommercial label. Certainly not for the politically correct or the serious type, as they even warn you on the back of the record: "WARNING: If you don't have a sense of humor, don't but this a-hole!" If you have any interest in hearing some really great modern punk/hardcore, I'd suggest you pick this up along with and anything else Paul has left at Noncommercial before this fucker is long gone. (MCP)
(Noncommercial Records // www.noncommercialrecords.com)

Chronic Seizure "Brainsick" 7"
Chronic Sick is my absolute favorite band in Chicago right now. They play a fast pissed-off style of hardcore punk-rock not too far away from what Career Suicide or many of the modern Cleveland bands are doing. The band consists of some seasoned vets from groups such as Fourteen or Fight, The Repos, Mushugunas and Rat Bastards. Live this band is about as chaotic, violent and pissed off as you can possibly get without committing all out muder and this record, recorded at Volume Studios in Chicago is no different. Six songs that whiz by at warp speed and leave your dick in the dirt and your head in the toilet. This also marks the first release for Fashionable Idiots Hardcore Records, which shares the same name as the zine one or two of the kids from Formaldehyde Junkies started. If this record isn't in my best of list at the end of 2006 I'd be very very surprised. First couple hundred copies on clear vinyl. Better snatch this up before these nuts are arrested for murdering a member of the audience. VERY RECOMMENDED! (MCP)
(Fashionable Idiots // www.fashionableidiots.com)

Formaldehyde Junkies "Are A Total Wreck" 7"
These kids from Minneapolis have been causing some major waves as of late, and for good reason. Just as the title of the record suggests, these four kids really are a total wreck. Their music is sloppy 80's influenced mess (think Minor Threat with the exact opposite message as the whole straight edge deal) with a relatively negative message, which is basically the true essence of what a punk-rock band should be. Live they are a real mess and seem to be on the brink of total self-destruction for their entire ten minute set. Their guitarist was unfortunate enough to get a front snap kick to the groin from yours truly at a recent gig of theirs when he decided to fly out into the crowd and go into attack mode. These guys really are one of the most impressive young bands out there right now and who sport all the right influences: Poison Idea, Inmates, Black Flag, Upstab, etc. and they can only get better. Apparently there's another single at the pressing plant as I type and this is a good place to start if you find yourself becoming increasingly bored with modern punk/hardcore.(MCP)
(Firestarter Records/Underestimated Records // mohawk3-at-hotmail.com)

Fourth Rotor "Plain" 12"
I just witnessed this band live for the first time in a basement with Dan from Mandy and the Twins and we were both absolutely blown away. This band is very similar to the Minutemen, Husker Du, and Saccharine Trust but somehow don't come off as sounding like copycats and are actually somewhat of a breath of fresh air. Intelligent, fierce, broken rhythms, and confrontational and very interesting music music from a three piece band that really seem to have their hearts in the right place and their eyes focused on the prize. You should know from my description by now what you're getting into here. Oh yeah, their Snuky Tate cover rocks! Vinyl released on Chicago's own Southkore Records and I believe the band released the CD themselves.(MCP)
(Southkore Records // www.fourthrotor.com)

Out With A Bang "I'm Against It" 12"
This record is soooo great. Alessandro (Anus), vocalist of the Grabbies moved his stank ass back to bumfuck Italy and has emerged with a band that completely blows away the Grabbies, who in the past pretty much blew away every other band out there in the free world. Offensive as hell, stupid, inept, asinine, and wrong in every possible way, these jagoffs have quite possibly released the best record I've heard so far this year. Fast, pissed off, drug addled, alcohol abusing, foul-mouthed smut from a guy who's probably better off dead. Is this jerk the new GG Allin? Who knows and who cares, this record kills it! Somebody book these freaks a US tour now!(MCP)
(Vida Loca Records // www.vidalocarecords.com)
(Proud to be Idiot // www.ptbi.8m.com)

Pedestrians "Future Shock" LP/CD
Debut full length from Chicago's Pedestrians and it smokes like an American tourist let loose in an Amsterdam cafe. The Pedestrians play early Eighties influenced mid-tempo punk-rock not unlike what the Adolescents or Naked Raygun were doing back in their primes. Recorded in Austin, TX over the summer with Stan of Signal Lost, the recording is a bit cleaner sounding than their previous single (released by Chicago's Southkore Records) which actually works very well for the band, giving them a more powerful and full sound, much more like what you get out of them live. All in all, not a single stinker on this eleven song full length, which is something rare to come by in this day and age. This a very impressive debut full length by a very impressive band that had me floored from the get-go. CD released by Chicago's always great Criminal IQ, LP released on the bands own Residue Records. Definitely one of the best full lengths released in '05. Get this record now!(MCP)
(Criminal IQ // www.criminaliq.com)
(Residue Records // [email protected])

Taeve s/t EP
I've always preferred the company of a total asshole over the company of your average nice guy. There's just something in an asshole I've always been able to relate to. Whether it be the asshole's sense of humor, honesty, or the fact that I may also be an asshole myself, I'm not sure. But for one reason or another I've always managed to surround myself with a group of total fucking assholes. Taeve is Black Flag-influenced punk-rock played by a bunch of total fucking assholes from Denmark. Think of a dirtier, more agressive Regulations and you might be close to what these jerks are getting at. Like The Regulations they actually sound like a band that was playing and recording in 1982 as opposed to modern times. The artwork is done up to make you believe this record is a highly collectible gem from 1986 (it's actually printed on the fucking sleeve), but don't be fooled by these fucking pricks, this record was recorded and released in modern days. Though you could easily fool one of your dipshit friends into thinking that this is a rare foreign hardcore record that is going for hundreds on eBay and sell it to them for $25. And I'm sure these guys would appreciate it. If you've found yourself somewhat recently being blown away by all the Kick'n'Punch bands this record would be right up your alley. (MCP)
(Self-released // www.taeve.dk)

Taeve "Homocore Aus Denamrk" 7"
These guys have impressed me with both their music and their sense of humor. First posing as a Danish punk band from 1986 and now being homocore (you need to see the inside art to even believe it!) this stuff is just perfect. Not much has changed musically from their first 7", but it's just as enjoyable and just as good. Full length and US tour in the process? I certainly hope so, as me and these jerks from Denmark would really have a blast I'd bet. Once again, if you dig Regulations, Black Flag, Gorilla Angreb, or are just a fan of foreign punk you should snag this stuff up.(MCP)
(Audiofellatio Records // www.audiofellatio.com)

V/A "Hibachi Omnibus Vol. 2" 7"
If this isn't the best compilation released in 2005 I don't have a fucking clue what is. A co-release between Painesville, Ohio's Hibachi Records and Detroit's Fourteegee Profuctions, this is a ripper of a hardcore punk 7" compilation if I've ever heard one. The idea here was to combine the best modern Midwest HC-punk with the best modern Japanese HC-punk and the outcome is nothing short of punishing and brilliant. Japan's Insane Youth AD kicks off the record with an insane track titled "Attack of IYAD" that is literally all over the place and really sets the mood and tempo for the rest of the album. Cleveland's Upstab is next with a cut titled "Nailed Mary", which is easliy the A-Side's best song. On the B-Side you have Detroit's Bill Bondsmen kicking out their best recorded song yet with "Human Veal". Japan's always great Chainsaw closes out the record with "Set Me Free", a real ass-kicker and a fantastic closer to this 7". If you have an interest in checking out some excellent modern-day hardcore/punk, but don't quite know where to look, this is as good a place as you'll find to start. If you like what you hear, search out the first Hibachi Omnibus as well, that fucker will also steer your punk-ass right.(MCP)
(Hibachi Records/Fourteegee Profuctions // [email protected])

V/A Powersolo/The Real Moneymakers split 7"
When I first put this record on my turntable I automatically dismissed it as shit and threw it into the corner where I usually spend my time burning photographs of old friends and girlfriends when I've had a bit to drink. One such night when I was about ready to grab the gasoline and burn every goddamn piece of refuse I'd thrown into that goddamn corner I decided I'd throw this record on again and give it one more shot. And I'm glad I did, as it's the perfect soundtrack for burning photographs of ex-girlfriends. A split 7" featuring two bands from Denmark who play in the Country Teasers sort of vein and actually do it quite well. On the A Side you have Powersolo who play more early, slowed down Teasers-ish cowpunk and manage not to bore that total shit out of you. On the B Side though is where this record really shines. The Real Moneymakers (featuring Mads of Taeve on drums and vocals), pound out more of a later lo-fi Teasers style grind with keyboards, bashing, smashing, and screaming aplenty. Not an absolutely essential record, but a good one to get whiskey drunk to and set your entire past on fire. (MCP)
(Mastermind Records // [email protected])

Wound Up 7"
Debut vinyl offering from now-defunct Chicago powerhouse Wound Up and it makes want to beat my teenage neighbors down with a baseball bat. I mean, these guys are PISSED. East Coast style mid-tempo hardcore with barked out vocals that hit like a nunchaku to a baby-soft skull. There's no mistaking that what these guys were playing was hardcore to the bone. With three songs that don't go over 1:29 and featuring a member or two from Punch In the Face, this record is not for the weak of heart. Released on the always rad Painkiller Records you can't go wrong with this one if you ask me. Flawless. More please?(MCP)
(Painkiller Records // www.painkillerrecords.com)

That's all for now ya'll. I need to finish up this six pack and hit the hay. By the time of the next update I will have moved into my third apartment in under a year and I might actually have another interview completed. Until then, take care and as always feel free to get in touch.