CAN'T STAND THE MIDWEST
with Matt Coppens
Thereís nothing to do. Itís thirty-one degrees outside and though the heavy
snowfall hasnít even gotten close to beginning the entire ground has a thick
sheet of ice covering it, making it impossible to go out and walk around.
Even if that nearly invisible layer of ice were not there, there would still
be nothing to do in my town. I suppose if the sun were shining I could go
out for a walk. But Iíve seen everything this town has to offer and quite
frankly, Iím a bit tired of the scenery. I could go for a stroll in the park
and hide behind a tree while spanking my pud to the little kiddies at play.
But Iíll leave that to my neighbors. Itís not that action around these here
parts, in this lazy Christian town, is something scarce. It just plain
If you ask the average person what they do around here for fun theyíll more
than likely tell you they either go out to a movie or go out to dinner. If
theyíre feeling like really letting their hair down for the evening they
might just go out and do both. Or if youíre a bit bored with all that and in
the twenty-one to thirty crowd you might go out to a bar with a jukebox
featuring the likes of Limp Bizkit or System of a Down and hopefully go home
with a cigarette stinkiní, cake-faced, foul mouthed piece of ass and just
maybe get your stubby little wee-wee wet. Sound like a good time to you?
Well not me.
While half of you are neglecting to read this and instead are prettying
yourself up for the new Johnny-Come-Lately garage rock show tonight in your
town, Iíll more than likely be sitting here with my record player blasting
and getting completely sauced on the couch all alone. The other half of you
neglecting to read this are just not in the mood to go see the new
Johnny-Come-Lately garage rock show tonight. Instead youíd rather just sit
at home with your cool friend with the cool shoes, shades, and vinyl
collection and do speed. The band will come around another time and youíll
catch them later. This is not an option for me.
The only band you might read about on this web-zine and the only band that
may be worth a damn that has come through and played here is the Functional
Blackouts and for that I am eternally grateful. See, most of the time I have
to drive between one and six hours to go out and catch the Hunches in
Chicago, or the Catholic Boys in Detroit, or the Lids in Kalamazoo, or
who-ever-the-fuck-else in Milwaukee. Skipping these shows is not something I
can do. Thereís a very good chance that if I donít go see these bands when
they come within six hours of me I may never get the chance to see them play
again and seeing these bands play is something very important to me.
Itís not the bandís fault that they donít necessarily want to go to a
smaller town they have never heard of or where none of their friends live or
where there arenít any bands they know of. It isnít anybodyís fault. Who
would want to play a town where nobody knows who they are or have everybody
know who they are but just couldnít give a fuck less? Doesnít sound like too
much fun to me. But neither does sitting on my couch all alone in my
piss-stained skivvies getting wasted while those bands are playing bigger
more off towns.
Iíve spent weekends in Chicago where thereís a friendís local band playing
one night, the Night Terrors playing the day after, and a Marked Men show
the night after and have had Chicago residents and show-goers tell me that I
picked a dull and boring weekend where not much is going on to visit. Does
that fucking sound like a weekend where not much is going on to you? Well
not me! Christ! A weekend like that has never ever in all my twenty-four
years on this planet reared its beautiful face around these hee-haw pawts
for fuckís sake! What the fucking fuck are you bitches whining about!?!?!?
Marked Men and Night Terrors come to play your town on two respective nights
in a row and you whine to me about being bored!?!?!? I could go on forever
to you about what itís like to really be bored but I donít think thereís
enough room on this site for a rant so long and descriptive.
Like I said earlier though, it isnít anybodyís fault. Not the bandís fault.
Not your fault. Hell, itís not even my fault. But just maybe you should
think about people like me who come from smaller towns who drive six hours
on three hours of sleep to go see a nobody band play in a fucking basement
in Milwaukee with a bunch of other nobody bands just because he wants to see
what it might be like to see his favorite little band play in a basement
next time you may be a little too tired to hop on the train ten minutes away
to go check out one of these great bands playing your town tonight, tomorrow
night, or any other night of the week. Donít take that shit for granted.
Youíre lucky you spoiled little fuck.
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