Illustration by Ben Lyon

Garbage Can...in which one lucky staffer get to sift through the dregs of the TB head office and see what comes up. Will it be their lunch? Or a hot new band that has slipped through the cracks? Every update, one random TBer will be assigned the task of reviewing as much crap as I can stuff into a box. This month's victim...Frank from Vegetative State! Stay tuned to see who gets ten pounds of crap in a five pound LP mailer next...

Doing this column made me feel sorry for Rich. I can only shudder at the thought of how many horrible promos Rich gets in the mail. Lets hope that these CDs are recyclable.

First in the Garbage Can’s queue of mediocrity is a real sizzler of a compilation called MONTREAL LOCALZ. They let you know this one is for the punx because they put a “z” at the end, so Oi! This comp is just not shit; it’s a myriad of shit! You get bad Oi, bad pop punk, bad garage rock, bad everything. And to make it worse, some of songs are sung in French. Practically all the songs are about “uniting the scene”, “life on the street”, or how much they love anarchy. Not only do these bands love anarchy, they eat, drink and sleep anarchy goddamn it! If you love Rancid, or anything on Epitaph, this is for you. If you are everyone else, this one makes a great coaster. I mean come on! There’s so many things wrong with this piece of plastic. The youth crew chants of “fight back”, the slick production of most of the tracks, bad ska horn sections, vocal harmonies reminiscent of Blink 182, and the fact that someone named their band Humanifesto, and thought they wouldn’t be ridiculed for it. The standout bad track on this steaming turd is “Waiting for the Wave” by THE REAL DEAL. I guess since they missed the 5th and 6th wave of ska, they decided there needs to be a 7th. The singer sounds like a prick, and thinks he sounds intelligent and rebellious every time he randomly yells “So fuckin what?” Wow, that so edgy, and unpredictable. I’m really glad I have a whole border to protect me from the shitiness these bands. Thank Jebus for King Khan & BBQ though. GRADE: F

Next on the cock chopping block is the CONCRETE GODS and their debut album Anglo-Centric Generation. While this one isn’t as bad as MONTREAL LOCALZ (much isn’t), it still deserves mention in The Garbage Can. In the press letter, they list their influences as the Sex Pistols, Buzzcocks, The Jam, and other typical influences for an English band. While that in itself is not bad, the real joke starts when you start listening to the album. They forgot to mention the band that they actually sound like, The Clash! Everything about this album screams Clash rip off, the lyrics, the album cover, and music right down to the singer sounding exactly like Joe Strummer. Plus lame lyrics like “The terraces a wall of emotion/ all too soon the spell is broken/ the hero climbs into his Rolls/ how many saved by rock n’ roll?” Plus they talk about how much they hate John Lennon just because he got rich and had good taste in cars. At least he wasn’t on a shit list with the like of MONTREAL LOCALZ. Plus, your gods the Pistols weren’t rich assholes right? It’s almost like the Stooges reforming after thirty or so years and coming out with that horrible pile of shit called The Weirdness. This is what the Clash would sound like if they got back together to make their “back to basics” album and still thought it was 1977. Apparently, this band does. Corpse fucking galore.
Reminder: Just because you write a hand written letter to Rich doesn’t mean you get critical blow jobs. GRADE: F

Ok for my next spiel, I’m going to pair together two bands that both come from Philly, JUKEBOX ZEROS and BERETTA 76. I decided to do this since they sound pretty much like the same band but one has a male singer and the other has a female singer. Beretta 76 sent me the most kiss ass press letter ever. In their letter they said that they would love for me to “check out what we do, fall in love with it, have sex with it and ejaculate on its face” While I made up the last two bits, that’s exactly how it felt. Plus they brag about being on a comp from Jane Magazine. When I think of the epitome of awesomeness, I think of Jane. Don’t you? This band is the equivalent of a creepy pedophile trying to slip speed or, Black Beauties into your juice box so that you’re excited to be raped. What a coincidence, that’s the name of your album! Judas Priest, eat your heart out! Since I’m on a good roll, I’ll make fun of the Jukebox Zeros. Like I said, they sound just like Beretta 69 except they have a singer that at least tries to sound like a man. Plus, they have the worst name I’ve ever heard. My guess is this is how they came up with their name:
Douche 1: Hey bros, what the fuck are we gonna name our band?
Douche 2: How about the Jukebox Zeros.
Douche 3: Yeah, since we’re not corporate douche bag sellouts like Foreigner.
Douche 4: We’re totally not heroes. More like ZEROS!!!
(Whole band breaks out into laughter.)
Douche 2: So bro, are you up for it?
Douche 3: Yeah, Punx to the MAX!!!!!
Douche 1: Okay, break out the Natty bro!!!!
Whole band starts sucking each other off.

Next is the GREAT CRUSADES. Since they want me to become an organ donor and they look like Il Divo, they can go fuck themselves. You can’t have my kidney! GRADE: F

HERODISHONEST has what I like to call Foster’s syndrome. Since Foster’s comes from Australia, then it must be good beer. Now insert Herodishonest. Since Herodishonest comes from Scandinavia then it must be a good band. See the horrible irony in this? No one would even give a shit if this band was from America, because their music is nothing new. If anything, it sounds like that shitty “hardcore” that the emo fags are into these days. I can just visualize hordes of emo clones two-stepping and doing their ninja moves to this. Ha ha ha. GRADE: F

The next piece o’ shit is by a band called the GRABOIDS. They try so hard to bring down “the system” with their horrible ambience music. This band especially makes me wonder how half these bands even find TB, seriously, and they are so totally non conformist with songs called “Weapons of Mass Distraction”, and “Bovine Bliss”. This band reminds me of those annoying people who quote “1984” anytime they are trying to intelligently criticize the government. This band gets as far as they do. They say absolutely nothing. Hell, they know they’re so bad they even have a song called “This Song Is Terrible”. Thanks for the heads up. GRADE: F

Now while most of the stuff I’ve been sharing with you is beyond horrible, this next band isn’t that bad. THE DANGERMEN from Melbourne Australia serve up a decent plate of rock n’ roll reminiscent of Stiv Bator’s solo efforts. Yes it is nothing new, and yes it is a little bit cliche, but at least it’s not vomit inducing like the Graboids or MONTREAL LOCALZ. Its decent dumb dumb rock n’ roll. I can actually listen to it and say, “Hey, that’s a decent effort." While I would never spend any kind of money to get this, I don’t really think its worthy of being on the same pedestal as MONTREAL LOCALZ. Not great but not horrible. GRADE: PASSING

Now I have saved the best for last, MISS 45. Everything about this band and album is a music fan’s worst nightmare. For starters, their album cover looks like something someone designed for a teenybopper act, but don’t worry, they’re rawk to the core. The band itself looks like they spent $75 each to get a shitty hair cut that makes them look like a bunch of mod rejects. But damnit, if that too grinds your gears then you have nothing to fear. Colonel Knoxx, Dan Frankenstein, Matt McGyver, and Felix Vendetta are gonna stir up a storm of some “greasy, maniacal, and desperate” rock n’ roll for you fine people. Their press letter said they had “beautiful harmonies that would make Brian Wilson envious, roaring amphetamine fuelled guitars, brilliant song writing, and the hardest rhythm section this side of Keith Moon” Wow they do love themselves. The band demonstrates their “brilliant song writing” with songs like “High- Heeled Bitches”, "(Everything’s More Fun) When You’re High”, “I Don’t Care”, and “I Don’t Wanna Be Like That”. With a band that has two song titles that sound like Ramones songs (one actually is), you’d think they wouldn’t be that bad. Too bad they deliver a horrible wank fest that sounds like the NY Dolls on a bad day after David Johansen has been beaten and brutally bro raped by the members of the Jukebox Heroes. If I had to choose between suicide and listening to this again, I would listen to MONTRAL LOCALZ. It’s like a thousand times better than this. GRADE: F

That's it for this time. If anyone really wants any of this stuff, contact the editor, we're running out of room. And if anyone out there is foolhardy enough to want to become a full or part time garbage can reviewer, send your resume in.

To read past installments of Garbage Can go here.