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Hey Rich the "K",
I just got back into town from my honeymoon (thanks for the scented candles from you and your underpaid staff, by the way, just send cash the next time I get married, ok?) and I was looking forward to some much needed sack time when I foolishly decided to check my telephone messages.
There were about fifteen unanswered calls from the FLYING DUTCHMEN, complaining about the review of their European tour single. The basis of their gripe was that you misquoted their onstage jargon as "Next up the Bell-Rays" when IN FACT the true words spake was " Next up .....HAROLD RAY!" Now, as an avid listener of BOOM BOOM of RENTON records, and a professional journalist I should think you would know the difference between bell-ray and ha-rold-ray. There's a WHOLE NOTHER SYLLABLE!!! Plus as a reader of the FANG CLUB DIGEST, you should know also that their seemingly drunken banter was, in fact, a clever placed plug on a foreign lables dime for the upcoming HAROLD RAY plate on BOOM BOOM of RENTON.
I would've let it slide, you know me, Rich, I hate to rock the boat, but GOD DAMN IT, THOSE DUTCHIES WOULDNT LEAVE ME ALONE! Calling me at all hours of the night, burning cryptic messages on the lawn in front of the BOOM BOOM CASTLE, lighting firecrackers in my mailbox, and WORST of all, playing the fucking BELL RAYS at volume ten on their boom boxes under my bedroom window while me and the missus are trying to make the next generation of hit makers in our luxurious five post bed! This shit does NOT get my DICK HARD!!!!
So, in closing, you're fucking me up in the sack, my yard is a ruin, and all that beautiful money in my mailbox from kids joining the BOOM BOOM FANG CLUB is burnt to a crisp. What am I supposed to do? I implore you....don't try and get cute with your reviews of the DUCHMEN records, ok??! Just stick with the MUMMIES and SUPERCHARGER references like all your other fellow record reviewers! And so to help you out, I have already prewritten you an all-purpose review for the new record by the SULTANAS in the popular style of today...

"HOLY FUCKIN MEATBALLS!!!! When this package hit my front door it was like a ten foot cock bouncing off Chesty Morgan's wild tits!! I staggered around my apartment slinging strands of pre-cum all over the package from BOOM BOOM of RENTON until at last I made my way to the turntable and unpacked the loot inside. I peeled away the tightly wrapped packaging like I was peeling the bra off your grandma and when I saw what was inside I gasped in pre-orgasmic bliss!!! It was, IN FACT, the latest HIT from that wild ass, ball blistering, humpa humpa fuck crazy label from Renton, BOOM BOOM!!!!! As I jerked myself off to the clever liner notes and rubbed my greasy paws on the photographs of these would be porn makers, I heard the wild party sounds fucking their way into my ears. Luckily I never clean the earwax out (which accounts for my misquoting of onstage banter on records), and it made a fine lube to be head fucked by this latest and greatest band of the RENTON rock and roll rebuke! Even though I am one of the few kids that receive promo material from BOOM BOOM of RENTON, I would gladly pay for this record a thousand times over! The sounds on this amazing platter of rock and roll disaster were like the unholy unaborted love child of the _________ and the ___________ being fucked burrito style by the _______________!!! After the tentacles of sound gripped me in their fervor and shook me into an erotic meltdown, I drifted off into sleep, clutching my SULTANAS record tightly to my bosom, dreaming of the day that all other record labels would stop putting out records altogether and pledge their allegiance to the truest and greatest label of them all....BOOM BOOM of RENTON!!!"

Oh yeah, and you can come by and mow my lawn on Sunday. I'll even lock up the guard dogs.

Sincerely,
DANIEL J. FERDUCCI
BIG BOSS - BOOM BOOM of RENTON

Danny, baby, so great to hear from you! I understand your plight, and sincerely apologize for my faux pas in that last review. I feel so bad, in fact, that I'm sending back those three crumpled up dollar bills you sent along with the single to insure some "good press, if you know what I'm sayin'!!!" as you so eloquently put it. Your payola is no good here, pal! Also, I would appreciate if next time you decide to correspond with me you not tape the letter to a huge hunk of blacktop and pay one of the neighborhood toughs seen hanging out in front of the local Arabian mini-mart to heave it through my window. That shit almost landed on my dog. Not funny. See you on Sunday.

Hey, I am a kind of good writer, and I love your site, well I like it, it's ok. Anyway I have heaps of Articles and Reviews, features I can write about Music, I would love to write for you, or even do more... No just write, but if you are interested, nah who cares about that. No one wants to know about that, I always go on about how I can do this for someone, and they totally love it. Anyway I can review good music, I like bands like Sonic Youth, Cure, At the Drive In, Seafood, The Anniversary, Weezer, Blur and other stuff which I can't think of right now, It was a complete act of luck I ended up on your site, but I like it and I could write some awesome stuff for you. Maybe not awesome, but it wouldn't suck. Thanks a lot, Hope to hear from you. PS: if you have any rare CDs I will buy them, or review them or use them to slit some girls wrists if you are interested in looking at girls bleed from their wrists. I'm not interested in that, but just in case you are I thought I'd mention it. Oh I'm setting up a web site for Writing and Music and other stuff, you could link to as well, Thanks and hope to hear from you some time in the next three years, one day when I least expect it, maybe 2006 March 3.
-Steve from Australia

I have no idea how to respond to this. Actually, I find the weirdest thing about this letter to be the notion of "rare CDs." That's just crazy.

Thanks so much for publishing this nice article referring to our initial album. We have 2 more circulating and 30+ songs recorded that are not released. Please visit us at www.theautomatics.com (forgive the unfinished state of the rebuild, hundreds of hours of flash programming so far!)
Chuck Warriner
Neon Halo Management
exclusively managing The Automatics

Hey, no problem Chuck. Secretary, please add a $100 bonus to Steve Strange's paycheck this week for his good work.