But I Still Love the Old World...

by Nanne Tepper

Bow Down!

Everybody’s got his own trick to stop himself from busting a nut too early when doing the long slow midsummersnightsfuck. You think of baseball, or the chores the cunt you are fucking makes you do as soon as you’re finished, or - and this is True Power Of The Knob - you have a secret word that makes your jizz pull back into your nutsack like someone is sucking it up through a straw.

My secret word is ‘relevant’. When things get too hot, and the tickle in my toes is too strong to resist, I say these magic words: ‘New U2 album proofs band is still relevant’, and I have my nutcontrol back for at least an hour.

Let’s face it: there is nothing more obnoxious than ‘relevant art’ in low culture. When I combine the shitty second generation Brit Art of the Chapman Brothers (‘Violence is Relevant!’) with the finally ‘relevant’ hiphopculture in The Netherlands (the horror of this ‘cant we all get along crap’ is enough to make you leave this reatarded country forever) and finish it of with a splash of Old Granddad-remarks from ‘volunteering’ American garagerockcritics on European bands, I can fuck for a decade without coming.

Of course it could be terribly funny to watch a bunch of American TB-ers discuss the careermoves new European bands should take after two singles in the same way a Tower Of Power couple would discuss the future of an adopted retard after his first doodoo on the potty. Even funnier to watch could be the way all these American Garage Pro’s savour every fart from the Lost Sounds. And it really all get’s kinda Naked Gun Part Not Again! when you hear these chants coming from across the ocean: ‘Best Lost Sounds record yet!’

While a ‘fresh’ European band like The Fatals gets advice from TB-ers with a selfmade Doctors Degree in Noise, those same TB-ers do not dare to ask themselves for one second if for example this new Lost Sounds record secretely could have that same ‘jippedeedodaa’ smell as MTV band Franz Ferdinand debut, a popalbum that – o dear, o dear – on top of it all totally beats that latest Lost Sounds record. When, of course, viewed from a galaxy far, oh well, you know. Nevertheless I’ll be damned if The Sounds aren’t on Sub Pop by the end of next year. Oh, and fuck me for listening, but on the latest John Wilkes Booze compilation of ep’s I found some songs that reminded me of the time when the Lost Sounds were my favourite band. (Black-Wave is still creeping towards my All Time Top Ten List.) So it really must be old news then?

I have no advice for the Lost Sounds of course. Apart from the fact that it aint any of my business: what the fuck do I care where they’re headed. I’m glad for them that they are considered ‘more relevant than ever’ by their groupies and fans with every record they release. That’s the way rock ‘n roll dreams should be. And I am too lazy to write an essay on why the Lost Sounds started to loose me more with just about every new release after Black-Wave.

Damn! Somehow the new one must be a hell of a perfect record otherwise I cannot explain why nobody of the American TB-Pro’s is telling Jay and Alicja on the Forum, for all of us to read, where to take it from here, when to take it, how to take it, why to take it and who to take. Still weird though, cause I can hardly think of any other American band in ‘the scene’ that invites one to ‘try to sketch’ influences, riffs, production, use of instruments, careerplanning, the first whiff of indierock on a single and the strange ways of the songwriting in general as much as the Lost Sounds.

But no: Bow Down!

And instead tell one of the best new European bands after four fucking songs how to run their careers, so they stay ‘relevant’ in a way only American TB Pro’s understand: ‘No man, after two singles they should make an lp man, with the production of that third song they have, otherwise, really, I don’t know where that band is gonna end up man’. It almost makes you glad the Magnetix record escaped the attention of many of the oldies across the ocean. To make the ultimate frustrated European remark: if they would have been an American band, we would never have heard the end of how great they are. Now that almost nobody cares, we are at least spared the wisdom of TB’s Balcony Muppets.

And this is why I am so glad to report that The Netherlands, a country that knows almost everything about music except how to play it, recently coughed up some records by some old and new rock ‘n roll bands that are ‘better’ than blah blah procent of what comes out in America and blahdeebladeeblaablaa procent better than what came out in Holland in recent years. Albums by zZz, Spider Rico and The Skidmarks. Good stuff? Really? Hard to believe, even for a Dutchie. But yes, good stuff. Only one critical remark about these records: they are so fucking irrelevant they make me come way too fast. But I’m cool with that. Cause when my beloved TB Pro’s start rediscovering the Talking Heads – I’m sorry folks, but that’s where you’re headed - and have to live with the snaut of The Former King Of The Relevant David Byrne again, I’ll be taking a nap. And if the unsatified party wants to fuck my pompadour while I’m asleep to get even with me - by all means: Go Down!

Nanne Tepper
Nieuwstraat 54
9724 KN Groningen
The Netherlands