The Brass Ring Or, Second Prize: An Embarrassing Erection At The Waterpark
Remember the now aborted chart domination brigade led by the White Stripes
and The Strokes and Jet and The Vines and The Hives? Repercussions abounded:
previously, we were content to rest in our own little scene, secure in the
knowledge that the mainstream was not going to come calling. We could cling
to our delusion of being a bunch of nonconformists that are somehow
different and elevated from the average Joe Coldplay Purchaser by the
benefits of our outstanding tastes. Then, well, the shit hit the fan. We
were treated to one of those inevitable, periodic tectonic shifts, when the
mainstream and the underground cultures ever so briefly overlapped. Maybe
this raw rock and roll is marketable? Maybe Little Steven does have some
brains under the few dozen bandannas he�s got covering his head? This time,
it�s going to be different, and by Gosh, a few of bands, a few or OUR BANDS
� they, well, they just may make it. Bands that previously would�ve been
content to pay for a few dozen people at a bar, maybe now they can get their
well deserved chance at the brass ring. They don�t come along very often, so
you may as well take advantage when they do. We�re not getting any younger,
why not give it a shot? Maybe we�ll get lifted out of obscurity, get nudged
into the spotlight?
Hey, I don�t begrudge someone for seeking success, or (gasp) becoming
popular by the standards of our insular scene. You can take your lofty
ideals and shove �em in your bunghole hippie. Maybe that will finally cork
up where your jive has been emanating. While you�re at it, why don�t you
pull out that bong that�s lodged in your cerebellum? Grow up. Shit.
Teenagers with disposable income make recording artists millionaires. Easily
guided teenagers with poorly functioning bullshit detectors are what turn
ordinary people who happen to play music into stars and reserve them
hallowed places in the annals of musical history. Mainstream rock critics,
ignorant worthless gasbags who wouldn�t know a good thing if it bit them on
their big fat white overpaid asses, can help a bit too. Both liked the White
Stripes. We�re talking adults who spend their lives overanalyzing thousands
of meritless bands and who make a career, a life, out of elevating utter
horseshit. So when along comes a studious blues angled color coded two
piece, it makes for much better copy then that band with the baseball hats,
right? What disaffected teenager isn�t going to see some appeal in the White
Stripes music? When the White Stripes picked up that momentum and became the
most unprecedented big thing in my lifetime, was it that big of a shock. My
hat�s off to them, they handled it pretty well. Let�s see how well you make
out being offered endless temptations of massive success. What other
mainstream act would offer an opening slot to the Clone Defects?
This isn�t to say I like The White Stripes. I don�t hate them, but I don�t
like them either. My 2� are that I thought they were unremarkable when I saw
them years ago in a bar, and I think that they are unremarkable now when
they have long since achieved world domination. Before I saw them I can tell
you in all candor that the red/white cutesy uniform bullshit made me cringe.
The seventh son of a seventh son hokum made me yawn. The
brother/sister/married whatsum was a joke. Then I saw them play at a small
bar years ago. It�s wasn�t just the same Joe�s in tightpants and jean
jackets that are at everyshow, they were there too, but it was far more
crowded then usual. It was one of those nights were all attention was
focused so acutely on Jack and his white pants, where every minor detail of
his performance was so analyzed by the crowd, who stood in rapt attention,
even awe, that - you could tell that you were not watching just another
show, or just some band. Even so, I didn�t care for them. I didn�t see what
the big fucking deal was, and still don�t. �Fell In Love With A Girl� isn�t
a bad song, but many of the ballads are. I�d rather the lifting of a great
Bob Seger System song make for �Seven Nation Army�, and a radio smash, but
I�ll be goddamned if I am going to buy the record. I will happily admit the
Stripes have their moments. Some numbers are done with admirable craft and
precision, but still, his vocal mannerisms grate my nerves and like I said,
the ballads take it up the ass. As for other stuff, well I don�t have the
slightest right to criticize his very private, extremely personal, and
hilariously pretentious decision of getting married on a boat in a piranha
invested river in some overrated jungle as completely ridiculous (hey
Moneybags, now that you�ve made it, you can�t married in a goddamn fucking
church like every other Joe Schmo?). But my hat�s off to the guy, honestly.
He produced a Loretta Lynn record and did a wonderful job, he fulfilled one
of my most cherished fantasies when he administered a much needed, heartily
Phil Honolulu approved beating to the long haired turd in the Von Bondies,
and generally became one of the least objectionable mainstream celebrities
in quite a while.
Let�s compare Jack and Meg to The Mooney Suzuki. I didn�t buy their debut
when it came out, despite reading some positive reviews. The description of
their sound, including the giant red flag of being compared to the MC5
(always a bad sign) wasn�t promising. I saw a picture of them in some shitty
rag, and just looking at their bland fucking faces I could tell that they
sucked. I know dismissing something outright is not something that real
writers and real critics are supposed to do. But I�m not a real writer. I�m
not a real critic. I�ve never made a penny off my writing and my opinions
just get me grief. But, you think I�m wrong for just assuming something is
terrible without granting it a listen? I�ve never had a snapping turtle bite
my face off, but I can assume that it hurts. I would rather have a snapping
turtle bite my face off than buy a Mooney Suzuki record. I would rather
have my self respect. It�s telling that the first time I really saw the
Mooney Suzuki was one of the rare times when I�ve watched MTV. I was just
flipping through the channels, honest, and those of you that are familiar
with me or my writing can attest to my near psychopathic aversion to
relatively harmless things, and my psychotic excessive hatred towards
perceived transgressions both minor and immense. Trust me, when I say this,
I don�t make a habit of watching MTV. But I was flipping through channels
and I saw a band that I had read about that I figured got their brief
spotlight despite sucking and that whatever Cthulhu was working at the
sacrificial chamber at MTVHQ that day decided to put some nothing band on
television in a misplaced effort at hipness, or connecting with the common
man. I watched, and I realized that all my dislike of the Mooney Suzuki was
remarkably on the nose, and if anything I should have shaved my head, bought
a rifle and a bowie knife, and tracked them down and skinned them alive the
second I heard of their existence, because they are a blight on mankind.
If I told a member of the Mooney Suzuki that I had a quarter inside one of
my nuts, they would crawl over each other like crabs in a barrel for the
chance to suck my cock. After their first big dignity-free push at fame was
met with resounding indifference, they jettisoned any contact with whatever
little glimmer of humanity they had left and collaborated with Nazi War
Criminals/Production Team The Matrix to make another shitty record. It
failed too. Are they still around? Are they on the street, eating inedible
unidentifiable scum they found in dumpsters? Because if they are, it�s far
better then they deserve. So is leprosy.
What about the Hives? I ignored them when they were around because they
seemed boring. They were a rock band on Gearhead Records, which is like
being a boxer who was trained in clown school. They had some hit on the
radio I heard that sounded kind of like the Zeros. They had a big record
that came out recently that apparently didn�t do so hot. But fuck, they flew
from Sweden to Memphis to see the Oblivians reunion. They toured extensively
with Greg Cartwright, bringing that talented gentleman some much overdue
recognition. They brought the underappreciated Deadly Snakes on tour, and
any interview you read with them they are exposing their enthusiasm, often
for bands I think are great.
Okay, what about the Von Bondies? To my shame, and in the interest of full
disclosure, I saw those fuckers once. The songs were human shit, you could
spot the stolen riffs from a country mile. Untold mountains of money were
heaped on these mediocre star-fit prone chumps, all in the name of trying to
manufacture a big, big hit act. You see the promo pictures of them on their
fancy website, all tight clothes and windblown coifs? You see their lousy
videos? You hear that fucking terrible song being repeated in every promo
under the sun? Do you know one person that bought their record? Do you know
one person that has a single nice thing to say about any of them personally?
You ever read an interview with that asshole? People that are just, again,
bad human beings, and worse, not despicable human beings that make good
music, like Skip James or Johnny Thunders, just a Junior Stockbroker in a
rock suit, digging for paydirt as fast they can.
But you know who acted even worse? The people in the periphery of other�s
success. You want to bring out the worst in someone? Make their friend
famous. Leave their band in the dust while yours becomes bigshit. Or what
about the former flag wavers for the Stripes? Their early fans, who have
abandoned them now that they�ve surpassed obscurity? Now you don�t like �em?
Honestly, what does that say about you? Think about it.
There�s a lot of animosity in the wake of the White Stripes getting
catapulted into the sky. Detroiters scrambled to bask in glory, and
some picked up scraps, and some got caught in the massive current and achieved
a small measure of trickle down push ouy of the minor leagues. After all the
smoked cleared what was left? Is it better then before? Or is it worse?
When was the last time you heard about, with the exception of the White
Stripes, whose poorly titled new record many finally get them the backlash
they�ve been courting, any of the bands I listed earlier? Times are shifting
back to the way they were before, and the threat of popularity is waning.
It�s just as well.
I guess this all just a long winded way of saying that you shouldn�t mind a
bit if The Ponys get famous. It�s nobody�s fucking business what they choose
to do with their band, or their careers. I hope for their sake that their
�friends� don�t react too adversely if bigger things come knocking.
- Phil Honululu, Letters Have No Arms
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