Dear Terminal Advisor,

– I’ve been dating a girl for two months now and she only lets me get to third base. I thnk I’m close to “closing the deal” really soon though. I’m making her dinner this weekend at my apartment, what would you suggest I serve to help me slide into home plate? Are there any records you suggest I play during dinner to heighten the mood and increase my chances as well?

TA: It’s a good thing that you asked me. If you’re a regular TB reader, then you must be a sweaty, nervous twit completely lacking in experience with women. You probably scratch your neck uncontrollably and stare at the bar when ordering from a nice-looking bar maid. Or more likely, you shift your puny weight from foot to foot and talk about some stupid record when you order a latte from a tattooed barista in pigtails. Well snap out of it, junior. I’m here to tell you that the chicks of this world (at least the ones that can serve up a truly memorable lay) have no interest in the latest trends in guitar pop, alternate sleeves, or singles clubs.

That being said, you will want some tunes in your lair to distract from the pathetic silence that a clumsy oaf like yourself will be sure to elicit. Every time you mention some uninteresting factoid concerning a band that nobody gives a shit about, or a drug-addicted guitar player that you once met at the WFMU bake sale, you will be thankful for that waft of music floating through the air. I suggest that you choose some classic and familar titles to try to assure this girl that you’re not a total loser out of touch with the currents of the world. Think that guy Leonard Cohen, Neil Young and related acts, or early Aerosmith. This is not your opportunity to showcase your eclectic tastes or the fruits of plunders from your college radio station. Do not play anything stranger than that Velvets record with the banana on the cover.

And if you expect to move to the bedroom after stuffing her face with whatever slop you manage to concoct in the kitchen, cue up Steppenwolf’s ‘Greatest Hits’ (minus “Born To Be Wild”) on the iPod. You’ll thank me when you don’t have to get up and flip the record mid-thrust, proving that you care more about a man with a guitar than a woman in the sack.
Let me know how it works out.

Dear Terminal Advisor,

– My girlfriend and I enjoy different types of music, which is creating problems…she hates going to heavy metal concerts with me and I hate going to indie-rock shows with her. Is our relationship doomed? If not, how can I get her to like more metal?

TA: Why don’t you just graduate high school and forget about heavy metal?

Dear Terminal Advisor,

– Last time my band played in St Louis, we stayed at this really gross house. There was cat hair everywhere and empty beer cans covered every surface. The entire living room floor served as an ashtray. The plumbing didn’t work very well, so our one guitar player had to use the front yard as a toilet. It was kind of this guy to let us stay with him, but I don’t think that we want to sleep there again. What is the proper etiquette for dealing with this situation next time we’re in town? Do I need to put this guy on the guestlist?

TA: Well there’s no blueprint for this common conundrum. I suggest locating a cheap hotel outside of town. The blankets may be caked with semen, but you’ll almost certainly have a toilet and a shower at your disposal. You can put this guy on your guestlist if you feel the need. Unless he fails to show a little gratitude by buying a beer for someone in the band, you might as well keep your judgements of his shitty lifestyle to yourself. It’s probably not a conversation worth having.

Dear Terminal Advisor,

– I’m in a fairly successful band with my girlfriend of many years. We just got signed to a “semi-major” label for an LP and have been getting some good press. I think we might be able to break big. The problem is, I no longer love my girlfriend and have been cheating on her for the past few months. If I break up with her, I’m afraid she’ll quit the band and ruin our chances. But it’s killing me to keep up the charade. Plus, she’s a really good bass player. What should I do?

TA: That’s a very interesting question. I’ve always said that women are a lot like bass players: they’re everywhere you look, but most of ‘em are sloppy and they play too much. If this one is attractive to the eye and tasteful on her instrument, you might as well stop using her for sex or companionship or whatever and start using her to drag you and your silly band to the back pages of the blogs and to the small stages of the festival circuit. There’s nothing more in-demand than a skirt on stage. Even better, make it a messy breakup. If you can manage to cultivate an air of sexual tension, people will notice. Keep in mind that music fans are overwhelmingly male and under-sexed. She’s going to have a lot more fun than you will.

Dear Terminal Advisor,

– I was straight edge for many years, but recently broke edge and have been enjoying drinking beer for a few months now. I think I’m ready to graduate to hard liquor, but I’m scared that it might be too much for me. What would you recommend to ease my way into it? I’m also thinking of taking up cigarette smoking, is it as cool as it looks?

TA: It probably is too much for you. You might start with mixing orange juice with your vodka, or try to take notice of what the other girls are ordering at the bar. And cigarettes are about as cool as tattoos are. You might want to check out the Stray Cats and the Clash as well.

Dear Terminal Advisor,

– I met this great girl at a punk show the other night. We’re really hitting it off and she has a great personality. I’m thinking of asking her to go steady. There’s one problem though. She’s very pretty, but she has a few facial piercings that really bother me. What would be a nice way to ask her to remove them without offending her? I don’t think I can get serious with her if she continues to wear them, but I also really want to have a relationship with her. Help!

TA: Those facial piercings are indicative of a deeply ingrained lack of self-respect and self-esteem. Learn to exploit these weaknesses, and she’ll fix her face and be yours for as long as you’d like to have her.

Dear Terminal Advisor,

– I’m in a very popular local hardcore band. We’ve released a few records and want to go on a national tour. Our bass player is great, but he is also in like four other bands, which is starting to get in the way. He’s a super nice guy who just can’t say no to anyone. He is also the only one of us with a van and most of the gear we use belongs to him though. We need him to concentrate on our band full-time so we can tour and play more shows. How do we get him to give up the other bands and focus on us? We don’t want him to quit or give him an ultimatum, and we can’t afford to lose his equipment either, but we need to fix this problem if we’re going to make it…

TA: Is his name Harley Flanagan? If not, your band is bullshit and you’re wasting my time.

To read other stupid shit go here.