This story could start a million different ways�It could open with Detroit�s Terrible Twos sprawled across pink bed sheets in a random Seattle apartment, or maybe in Austin with keyboardist Danny Bing enjoying Frito Pie on the porch of Beerland. Or better yet, back in the Pacific Northwest with guitarist/vocalist Craig Brown gleefully showing off his collection of �hunting knifes� soon after I arrive to interview the chaotic four-piece. Sure each of these scenes offer its own moment of bizarre intrigue, but there�s a more appropriate place to start this sordid tale - the ceiling of the band�s 2001 Econoline tour van.

Taped to the ceiling of the Terrible Two�s white travel van is a tattered road map of America. The silver duct tape is peeling, the faded paper is tearing, some states are crumbled and others are missing altogether. It�s the highlight of the van�s cut�n�paste decor by far - although the �foot long tuna bacon� magazine doodle does have it charm - and manages to embody the current (if not constant) state of the synth-heavy experimental outfit. With so much time spent on the road the past few years touring, the ragged upside-down �Driving Distance Chart� is a pretty suitable image for the Terrible Twos, especially considering the sonic disarray they cause in each town they play. I was fortunate enough to meet up with Motor City�s finest to experience this destruction first-hand during their recent tour with The Dirtbombs promoting their debut self-titled full-length on Criminal IQ/X! Records.

Terrible Twos are:
Chris: guitar/bass/vox
Craig: guitar/bass/vox
Danny: keyboards/noises
Jonathan: guitar
Jeff: drums

TB: When did you start playing together?
Chris: After high school, we weren�t doing anything really so we just started playing.

TB: Why the Terrible Twos?
Chris: Late night drug induced� I dunno. We had so many band names. We just kept on screaming them out. It went on for like a month.

TB: What were some of the band names that didn�t make it?
Jonathan: Pixel [Nervous Laughter].
Jeff: The Half-Wits - that was mine.

TB: On the topic of Terrible Twos, Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen - who would you bang?
Chris & Craig: Both.
Jonathan: I definitely did see �New York Minute� on opening day, fo' show.
Everyone: What! Really? No Way?
Craig: Are you serious you saw that movie?
Jonathan: We were fucking wasted. We started drinking at like 9:00 am, piled into a car and were like, �Fuck yeah, New York Minute!�
Craig: What?
Jonathan: It was totally messed up though, there were like three sixty year old men sitting all by themselves in the back row.

TB: Uh yeah, so� what�s been inspiring you musically lately?
Jonathan: I really like R&B;, that�s why I started playing in bands.
Danny: Jay Reatard. We�ve been listening to him in the van.
Craig: Creedence always gets played in the van.

TB: So which one of you has the CCR stick�n�poke?
(Craig pulls up his shirt to reveal a nice little scratcher tattoo on his ribs.)
TB: I have to say I expected something a little more dramatic.
Craig: I have an �M� and a smiley face too! I�m in another band with my friend Ian, called The Mahonies, we drank a lot of gin one time and gave each other these tattoos. (Points to smiley face) That was what I always wanted my whole life.

TB: Going back to Creedence, what Terrible Twos lyric is most like one of CCR�s?
Craig: Hmmm. Maybe just the shouting, like we have those Fogerty shouts, �Wohoo� �Whohoo.� Yeah, we shout just like John Fogerty.
Chris: Identical.
Craig: Wohoo.
Chris: Have you ripped him off yet?
Craig: Nope.
Chris: Terrible Twos actually have never done a cover song once.
Jeff: Yeah we did, �Tom Dooley�.
Chris: Oh and I guess we tried a cover of a Screamers song once too.
Danny: I just played the intro on the keyboards and that was it.
Jeff: With all the songs we have, I think it would be kind of stupid for us to leave one off that we actually wrote just to cover something.
Chris: Holy Shit, good answer.
Craig: Yeah, it�s like you know the psychology of set lists.

TB: So how did you end up going on tour with The Dirtbombs?
Chris: I kind of brought it up to Ben (Blackwell, Dirtbombs drummer) at a party. He was talking about being on tour and I said he should take us with them. I didn�t expect anything to come of it, but it did.

TB: What has it been like playing with them considering that both the crowds and venues are a little different than what you�re use to?
Danny: Everyone just watches us. They don�t know what to expect.
Craig: People aren�t drunk enough yet. It�s like there�s us, and then there�s eight feet of wood. It�s like we smell, er something.
Jonathan: But by the time The Dirtbombs come on everyone is nice and sauced!

TB: What�s the scene like these days in Detroit anyways?
Chris: Detroit is awesome. You just need to know where to go.
Jeff: Shows have been really great lately; the right shows will always be packed.
Chris: It�s at the point now where you know if you have a show the same thirty people will be there at least.
TB: It�s seems to be all about the same thirty people wherever you are.
Chris: Yeah, for real.
Craig: Shout outs! Shout outs! Let�s do shout outs.

TB: On the topic of �Shout Outs�, what was your response to the Detroit Weekly calling you guys �the future of Detroit rock�n�roll�?
Chris: We didn�t even know the guy who wrote it actually. I thought I�d figured out who the guy was that wrote it, but I was wrong.
TB: Did you just say you didn�t know him sexually?
Jonathan: I didn�t even know him sexually!?
Chris: No. �Actually�.
Craig: Yeah, we�d just see him around and give him money.

TB: Does it feel a little weird getting that complement from such a mainstream publication? Does it still have credibility in your eyes?
Chris: I feel like its finally time.
Craig: I like it when people suck on us in the paper!
Chris: A lot of people probably saw the article because when we played the Blow Out (band showcase in Detroit) another local band called Frustrations played before us and they had a good crowd, but it was just packed when we played.
Jonathan: And they haven�t been to a show since.(Laughter)

TB: As far as your aspirations for the band, do you have any intention or hope of being embraced by the hipster masses, like Black Lips or Jay Reatard have been?
Craig: We gotta get that paper, we gotta get that paper man! Whatever way is the quickest, we gotta get some p..a..p..e..r!
Danny: However we can get it.

TB: The first time I met you guys I made a total ass out of myself - an incident I�ll blame on the cheap rum at Beerland - and said you were from Chicago. You are definitely not from Chicago, as we�ve established, but you did record your debut album there. Tell me about that experience and how you got involved with that notorious Englishman Darius and his label Criminal IQ?
Chris: We�d known Darius on and off for a while. Eventually he asked if we wanted to do a single, we said no, we want to do a full album. And he said okay.
Danny: We recorded with the most awesome dude ever. He was so cool.
Jeff: He had $100 tea.
TB: What�s $100 tea?
Jeff: Fucking shit that tastes really good. We didn�t know it was $100 tea at the time, but Darius was like, �When you were there did you eat that guys little tea, that $100 tea?� (Jeff can do a pretty decent Darius Hurley impression if you�re ever looking for a cheap party trick.)
Craig: He had everything: Wii, Wii TV, bowling, snacks...Mark Freitas (Q Bar Studios) is an awesome cool guy!

TB: Do you have any other recordings coming out soon?
Chris: We just recorded a seven-inch for Italy Records, which is a Detroit label.
TB: Any idea when it�s coming out? What will it be called?
Chris: No, but it should be out in the next couple months.
Craig: We recorded six songs at this place called the UFO Factory in Detroit and it was totally sweet - maybe even sicker than last time in Chicago. This guy didn�t even have $100 tea and he was still that good.

TB: Talking about things in the works, you guys just had a week off from touring which you spent in Oregon making a music video for �Pipe Bomb Pipe Bomb,� tell me about it?
Chris: Two days in a bathroom.
Craig: You gotta wait for it!
Jeff: He sang on the shitter. (Points to Chris)
TB: Ah, I get it now. I get the bathroom theme.
Jonathan: Oh I never got that before! It�s a song about douching.

TB: In a record review someone said, �At no point does this sound like anything other than a bunch of dudes with nothing better to do.� What else do you guys do?
Jeff: I make pizzas - it�s all I�ve ever done.
Jonathan: Um, do a whole lot of nothing.
Danny: I make microphones. I lived in Milwaukee for a bit, I moved there for like six months, and ended up finding a bin of telephone headsets. I bought them and wanted something to do with them so I turned them into microphones. It was a long learning process of figuring out the electronics. They�re called Bing Carbon Microphones.
Craig: I teach guitar and valet cars. My phone number is 487-1...(fades)
Chris: So if any crusty girls read this�

TB: What�s something you�re all hoping for in the next six months?
Jeff: Not to get a girl pregnant.
Jonathan: I hope I get to bang Jeff.

END INTERVIEW

VINYL DISCOGRAPHY
'Plunderball' 7" (X!)
'A+A" 7" (Big Neck)
�Radical Tadpoles' 7" (X!)
s/t LP (Criminal IQ/X!)

Terrible Twos on Myspace.